Read the following, print a copy and keep it in a safe place...it may come in handy some day. NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. </ I> NAME_____________________ ________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________ _______________________ HOME ADDRESS__________________ _____ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______ Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No If No, explain: _________________________ _________________________ ___________ _________________________ _________________________ ___________________ Number of years they have been married _________________________ _____ If less than your age, explain ___ _ _________________________ _________________________ ______________ _________________________ _________________________ __________________ ACCESSORIES SECTION: A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No C. A waterbed? __Yes __No D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No E. A tattoo? __Yes __No F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.) ESSAY SECTION: In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? _________________________ _________________________ ____________ _________________________ _________________________ ____________ In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? _________________________ _________________________ ____________ _________________________ _________________________ ____________ In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? _________________________ _________________________ ____________ _______________ _________________________ ______________________ REFERENCES SECTION: Church you attend _________________________ _________________________ _ How often you attend _________________________ _______________________ When would be the best time to interview your: father? _____________ mother? _____________ pastor? _____________ SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential. A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _________________________ _________________________ ____________ B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: _________________________ _________________________ ____________ C: A woman's place is in the: _________________________ _________________________ ____________ D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: _________________________ _________________________ ____________ E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? _________________________ __ _________________________ _________________________ ____________ _________________________ _________________________ ____________ F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _________________________ _________________________ ____________ F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _______________ ___ I S WEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. _________________________ _________________________ _______ Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!) _________________________ ______ _________________________ _______ Mother's Signature Father's Signature _________________________ ______ _________________________ _______ Pastor/Priest /Rabbi & nbsp; State Representative/Congressma n Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating. Daddy's Rules for Dating Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) : Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear t o be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about spo rts, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.' Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
Excellent find! Thanks for sharing it with us. :thumb: Dad's cannot be tooo cautious, after all, we were once the young man at the door. :whistle: When my oldest daughter brought home her boyfriend to meet me, I greeted him at the door with one of my shotguns in hand. I had been "cleaning it" and not wanting to be rude, I offered him an up-close and personal view of it. :yikes: Would you believe he still dates her? When my youngest brought home her young man recently, I acted very bummed out, depressed and not my usual friendly self. She took me aside and asked what was wrong. I replied in a voice loud enough for her date to hear "The state rejected my personal carry permit because of that little incident I had awhile back involving battery with a deadly weapon." :deadhorse: I actually wasn't really thrilled with the young man, so I "forgot" and left my pistol out on the coffe table when I went to bed. There wasn't a 2nd date. :gasp: Dave P.S. :giggle: formal charges were never filed...no witness :giggle: :whistle: :thud:
Funny post! Although, my experiences of being the "young man at the door" have been rather more sedate in the UK... LOL... You see, I am at the other end of the spectrum as it were here... Being as I am 25, and I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time this summer past and I stupidly watched the film "Meet the Parents" the night before I left!!!! (My gf is American, from PA) This autumn, out parents are meeting, is it going to be like Meet The Fockers?!! I suspect so, my parents are... umm.... well... open about anything and in no way conservative!! LOL
:applause2: I love your style. If I ever have a daughter I will follow your same process. Did your daughter forgive you for chasing the guy away?:hippie: This was a funny post, gues unfortunatly nowdays could be taken quite seriously.
Did your daughter forgive you for chasing the guy away? Yes, she even thanked me after the fact. Not her type after all. The P.S. was meant as a joke and only as a joke. Nobody was harmed in any way in true life. :thumb: I actually got a :applause: from the Dad of the boyfriend that is still around. Pretty cool guy. Jerry had already given his son "the speech" about treating my daughter with the utmost respect, because if he ever heard different, he would finish where I left off with the boy! :catfight: :fs: :deadhorse: Dave
